Wednesday, December 8, 2010

130,000 Children

This afternoon as I putting up more decorations I turned on the TV. I knew that I wouldn't be able to focus totally on a program so I started watching "The Talk." Part of their discussion today was on adoption. They said there are 130,000 children in the system that need homes.

13 years ago I was told I would never be able to have children through the conventional method. R and I decided to try in-vitro. I never had the procedure. I took the Clomid, which makes you crazy. Also at the same time I was house hunting. Three months worth...which also makes you crazy. When you do in-vitro you have to get your period by a certain date each month based on your schedule. If you don't they have to move you back to the next month. That's extremely stressful, combined with the Clomid and the house hunting, I didn't get a period nearly the entire time thanks to the stress. I finally couldn't take it anymore and we decided to look into adoption instead.

On the show they said that these children need good homes. Yes they do, but it's not that easy. When R and I went to adopt we couldn't afford a private adoption through a lawyer at that time. We had just bought the house and it was very expensive to adopt that way so we looked into other ways. Not to mention that in Colorado it's all for the birth mother and she has the right to reclaim the child at any point.

We went to Lutheran Family Services. We were told we would never be given a child because we were over qualified. Yes really. We had been married ten years and had a good marriage. R had a decent and steady job, and I was a stay at home artist. We had never had any problems with the law or psychological issues. So we were basically too good to be true and no one would ever believe it. We met with this kind of resistance everywhere we went.

It was also suggested that we be foster parents, but I could not bring a child into this house, get attached to him or her and have to let them go. That to me would be more heart breaking than never having children at all.

As the years have gone by I have come to terms with it. We had our hopes raised many times only to have them dashed. I had to come to terms with it or be heartbroken every few months to a year. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel sad and still wish I had children. I do. In fact it's the greatest heart break of my life. I don't know if I would have been a great parent, but I certainly would have given it my very best. I know R would have been wonderful at it. He is that type of person.

It's very hard to watch shows like I did today and to hear them say that there are so SO many children in the system that need homes, to know we have a home and love to share and can't do it because of something so ridiculous as the suspicious nature of people who think we were over qualified to be parents. That we must be hiding some deep dark evil secret. I try not to let it bother me, I try to believe we simply weren't meant to have children...but every once in a while it's just so hard.


KellyJo said...

I think you would have made a great mom. You and I have a lot in common, while I am a single mom I think my 20 year old son turned out awesome. This system is set up to let you down, it really is a shame. I'm sure you've touched many kids lives with your wonderful bears. And that's awesome, many people's jobs never have that option, nor do I think that they even think about it. Keep up the great work!! :D

Cheryl @ Bingle Bears said...


bensonbear said...

That sounds so weird, Kelly. I can't believe that they turned you down because you were too good to be true! It's surely a sad indictment, of how warped things have got, when so many are in need and they did that to you!

Kelly said...

I can't even express to you the kind of disbelief we had when people told us that. I remember coming home thinking that was the most utterly bizarre thing anyone could say. There are no words to do justice to what I felt.

Amanda said...

I can well believe what you say. In the UK we hear this too. Also mixed race children and they don't get adopted as there is a shortage of mixed race couples.

I've met a few foster parents and sometimes they go on to adopt, most times the children leave. Hats off to them but I could never do that.

Some day in the future the powers that be will see they got quite a few things wrong. I feel for those children in care, who miss out on a chance with couples like you.

Heather said...

I always get annoyed by those commercials too... they make it sound like you can just run right out, Orphan Annie style, and pick up a kid like getting a dog from the pound.

I've known several couples trying to adopt... and most of them experienced very long, painful processes. Years and years and years of heartbreak and disappointment... quite a few of them, eventually, gave up with the US adoption system and got a child from another country... and only one of those cases went smoothly, the other ones were fraught with undeclared medical issues that led to even more emotional suffering.

It doesn't shock me they told you that you were over-qualified. This has always been an excuse I have NEVER understood. Why is over-qualified EVER a bad thing? ... and yet, over and over again people are passed by because they're too good to be true.

People aren't infomercials... people aren't pyramid schemes... sometimes too good to be true really just means you've got an AWESOME person on your hands.

Anyways... yeah... I'm really sorry things went that way. It's amazing how such a wonderful couple can meet with such resistance, while I've heard of so many foster kids having such terrible foster parents. Evidently it's not the taking them into your home that is the issue, it's the 'how long you intend to keep them'.

It's just me... Jennifer said...

I just finished reading this...omg! I thought I was the only one that used clomid!!!! that stuff makes you beyond crazy! I did get pregnant but I miscarried, this was many years ago when I was in my first marriage. I to went through the ups and downs of trying to concieve but it never took after the miscarriage. After all that I just couldn't face anymore of the shots,meds etc... I would have liked to adopt but my mom had worked for adoption lawyers(one of the best in the country) and knew all the crap they make you go through not to mention the costs and fees etc...I couldn't afford all that then or now. Adoption here in the us is all about money and not about the children... some people that have adopted and had a ton of money to do it, turned out to be abusive parents and only got a child because they had money. Why is it so easy and fast for people in the spotlight to adopt? money. ...they say all these children need families etc...but they make it nearly impossible for someone like you or I to adopt, then they scratch their heads when another foster family is found to have abused or killed the children and only wanted the government money to support themselves.....I don't get it! I never had children and have come to grips with makes me sad that people hurt or abuse there children when there are so many like us that would love to be parents and have a lot to offer a child. I have my moments when I hate the world and at times I get bitter and blame God...I went through every test, shots and meds etc...and they could never find any problem as to why I couldn't have baby...I guess it will have to be one of lifes mysteries. I didn't want to be a foster parent either and my husband now didn't because it would be too hard to let go...I know exactly how you feel! Hugs, Jennifer

Janice said...

I quite understand why such programmes give you both a sense of anger and dispair.
It's when I read of children being left with totally unsuitable parents, because in the UK it is the done thing not to separate families, that I get angry.
Chin up my dear and keep on enjoying the sunny days of your life.

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