130,000 Children

This afternoon as I putting up more decorations I turned on the TV. I knew that I wouldn't be able to focus totally on a program so I started watching "The Talk." Part of their discussion today was on adoption. They said there are 130,000 children in the system that need homes.

13 years ago I was told I would never be able to have children through the conventional method. R and I decided to try in-vitro. I never had the procedure. I took the Clomid, which makes you crazy. Also at the same time I was house hunting. Three months worth...which also makes you crazy. When you do in-vitro you have to get your period by a certain date each month based on your schedule. If you don't they have to move you back to the next month. That's extremely stressful, combined with the Clomid and the house hunting, I didn't get a period nearly the entire time thanks to the stress. I finally couldn't take it anymore and we decided to look into adoption instead.

On the show they said that these children need good homes. Yes they do, but it's not that easy. When R and I went to adopt we couldn't afford a private adoption through a lawyer at that time. We had just bought the house and it was very expensive to adopt that way so we looked into other ways. Not to mention that in Colorado it's all for the birth mother and she has the right to reclaim the child at any point.

We went to Lutheran Family Services. We were told we would never be given a child because we were over qualified. Yes really. We had been married ten years and had a good marriage. R had a decent and steady job, and I was a stay at home artist. We had never had any problems with the law or psychological issues. So we were basically too good to be true and no one would ever believe it. We met with this kind of resistance everywhere we went.

It was also suggested that we be foster parents, but I could not bring a child into this house, get attached to him or her and have to let them go. That to me would be more heart breaking than never having children at all.

As the years have gone by I have come to terms with it. We had our hopes raised many times only to have them dashed. I had to come to terms with it or be heartbroken every few months to a year. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel sad and still wish I had children. I do. In fact it's the greatest heart break of my life. I don't know if I would have been a great parent, but I certainly would have given it my very best. I know R would have been wonderful at it. He is that type of person.

It's very hard to watch shows like I did today and to hear them say that there are so SO many children in the system that need homes, to know we have a home and love to share and can't do it because of something so ridiculous as the suspicious nature of people who think we were over qualified to be parents. That we must be hiding some deep dark evil secret. I try not to let it bother me, I try to believe we simply weren't meant to have children...but every once in a while it's just so hard.