Many years ago before I met R I had a boyfriend who wasn't really very good for me. I liked him a lot, but I knew it wasn't the best situation and I broke up with him. To protect both of us I did it in a rather callous way and he accused me of having a heart of stone. It hurt terribly when he said that because on some level I suspected he was right. I never let him know how much it hurt though.
Last Saturday I fractured my nose. You know I am clumsy! It was such a bizarre accident and I couldn't do it again if I tried. When I did it, it hurt but I laughed. I laughed a lot. In fact R didn't take it too seriously when I said I think I broke my nose because I was laughing so hard. I knew it was broken though, I have done it twice before. Then it started to bleed and he knew I was actually hurt. From the outside I can appear pretty tough, and sometimes indifferent to things.
Today I wasn't so tough though. In fact I turned into a giant sobbing puddle on the couch. (Thank goodness a kind hearted friend knew and called me to cheer me up...and she did!) First of all I had to take Ridley back to the dog rescue. We had him a little over a year and a half and I know it was the right thing to do. He has terrible separation anxiety. I thought I had worked him through it but lately he had reverted back to his old ways of trashing the house when I go away. He is also jealous of the other animals, and while he wasn't aggressive with them he would simply nose his way in between them and I. Entirely too much of my day was spent on him. I knew he needed a home where he could be the only pet and have all the attention lavished on him. So I had to put my own feelings aside and did what was best for the greater good of everyone concerned. I chose to do it while R was away because I felt it would be easier on him as well. He knew I was going to do it. The thing is I loved Ridley. He was a sweet dog, and as I drove away the look on his face haunted me all the way home. I had put on my stone face and hugged him, told him I was very sorry and then just left him...cutting him entirely out of my life for good.
When I got home, I returned a phone call that I was supposed to return last week. I had recently told this person that when someone lashes out you when you don't deserve it, you have to just remember that they are afraid. The irony is, today I did that very thing to that very person. They said the thing that cuts me to the core...they said I made them nervous. I have been told this before and it's like a knife through the heart every time someone says that to me. I don't think I am so intimidating, but what do I know...I can't see myself from the outside looking in. Maybe I am truly terrifying to people and I am just deluding myself into thinking I am a nice, open and compassionate person. When I pressed them as to why, the answer really shocked me. They said it was because of my PKD. Make that a double knife right through the heart. Yes I have this disease, and yes I know it will probably kill me someday...but no one has ever treated me like a sick person before. It's not like it's contagious and it doesn't affect my day to day life that much yet. Especially someone in that position, they are a doctor. I thought about it, and I cannot stand the thought of making someone nervous, or putting too much pressure on them to do something they aren't comfortable with...so I called them back, put on my stone face and harshly told them I never wanted to go there again and that I would find someone else. I don't know if it mattered to them or not because I didn't give them a chance to respond. I simply said "see ya" and hung up the phone. In truth they probably had nothing more than momentary passing confusion followed by a sense of relief. But the thing is, I liked and trusted this person, and I hated the idea that I might have hurt them even though I probably didn't. I felt it was for the greater good, but who knows maybe that's just a lie I tell myself to justify my actions. All I know is I cannot be in the position to make someone nervous. I just won't do it. I don't know why I do that to some people, and it makes me afraid that is how I really am so I end up lashing out unfairly every time someone says that to me and cutting them out of my life.
I had one last small incident where once again I had to be very stoic today. I don't even want to go into it. I do these things with the intent of putting my personal feelings aside and doing the thing that is in the best interest of everyone. To do that, I know that I have to come off as having a heart of stone, and being able to cut someone or something off completely without a care.
The funny thing about stone is...even though it's hard, it can break...usually when no one is looking.