Monday, April 6, 2009

Mysteries Of The Y Chromosome

Rarely do I venture more than a toe into the piranha infested waters of discussing romantic relationships on my blog. Even less often do I discuss my own because I believe in keeping my private life private. I don't believe in male bashing either, because I think that men are perfectly fine human beings and I love them. That's not to say they aren't a mystery to me sometimes. But once in a just have to get things off your proverbial chest.

I have met a lot of men over the years. They tend to gravitate to me, I think it's because I am a guy's girl and not a girl's girl. This is probably because I am very frank and don't play games like some women. I have had more male friends than female. Even with these platonic friendships, I am still no closer to understanding the species...or maybe I am and am subconsciously choosing not to look directly at it?

I have figured out a couple things though. Men want us to rely on them so they feel needed, and yet they want us to be simultaneously self sufficient, capable of handling anything that comes along. I am not sure why that is, and how they expect us to accomplish it, but I guess that's not their problem. Afterall we are the self sufficient ones...we will figure it out right?

Despite Hef's influence for the past 50 years to teach men they should have bimbos with larger quantities of silicone than grey matter, many men say they want an intelligent woman. What they really mean by that is they want a woman who is almost as intelligent as they are...but not quite. Should we display an intelligence greater than theirs on any subject they will glaze over, accuse us of showing off as if we have some concept of the parameters of their knowledge base on the subject before we brought it up, or treat us like we're stupid and have no idea what we're talking about, and we couldn't possibly be right. (This one really annoys me.) It all goes hand in hand with their complete inability to admit they are wrong or simply don't know something. I suspect this is a gut reaction to our living in a more equality based society. Men still need to feel they have an important role in our lives since they are no longer as much the dominant sex as they used to be when they clubbed water buffalo over the head and drug them back to the cave.

I think we have all heard the person say they woke up one morning after 25 years of being married and realized the person sleeping next to them was a stranger. I have often wondered how that is possible. But after this morning, I think I get it.

Now don't get me wrong, I love R, I know he loves me...but sometimes I want to throttle him. I felt like that this morning. He isn't a ball of fun right after he gets up in the morning anyway, (in all fairness neither am I, but he only sees that on the weekends) he seems to think sometimes that my every action or comment is to annoy him, or that somehow I am his enemy, and responds that way. I feel as if I can't say anything right. Luckily by the time he gets home he has turned back into Dr. Jekyll with no sign of Mr. Hyde until the alarm goes off the next morning. Wash, rinse, repeat.

He seems to have a completely different view of who I am than everyone else who knows me. I am not sure why that is. I suppose it could be argued that he knows the real me. But I don't think so, because the things he says about how I am sometimes mystify me. Sometimes he talks to me as if I have the intellect of a five year old, and am never right about anything.

Even though he hardly ever says so, I am sure I annoy him too, I think that's a given when you live with someone. You're just going to get on each other's nerves sometimes. We are lucky because we rarely fight. I am a firm believer in talking things through if there is a problem. He is a firm believer in dozing off in the chair with the remote in his hand while I do that. But hey, maybe that's why we rarely fight!

Once he told me I was needy when I wanted to spend some time with him. I think it was an excuse since I only see him about three hours a day because he is married to his work. I remember standing there staring at him dumbfounded, especially since I always try to give him a little alone time each day to unwind and have some peace and quiet. I later asked a male friend who I knew would tell me the truth if I was needy. He laughed and said I was the least needy person he knew.

So what happens to people who are together a long time? How do they develop a different view of the person they live with that the rest of the people we know don't share? I am sure over the years I have done it in some way to him too.

Maybe it's a slow evolution. Regardless how much we have been able to retain the people we were before we became a single entity known as "a couple," being in a relationship changes us. Maybe it also changes our perception. Or maybe over the years we just choose to view that person more the way we would like them to be, and when they deviate from our concept it frustrates us?

Perhaps when we love people we choose to view them in a different light because if we didn't we would find some inadequacy in ourselves, and wonder why we are worthy of them. I don't think any of us, X or Y chromosome based turn into complete strangers simply for being together with someone. I think we just need to prove that we are lovable, and in some way do the very opposite through our attempts. I also think we tend to take things out more on the person we love more than anyone else because we know they will forgive us. Perhaps I am wrong. I don't know, I am just waxing philosophic this morning in an attempt to understand the man in my life. But maybe that's the catch 22, maybe that's what keeps us all in a relationship, or trying to find one? It's human nature to love a mystery!

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