The Journey

I haven't posted much the last few days because I have been a big mass of crying, crabbiness, earache, headache and perspiring.

It's been 4 1/2 years since my hysterectomy and after the initial insanity of the first six months or so, I have gotten away pretty lucky.  But all of a sudden lately it's reared it's ugly head again.  I really can't stand feeling emo and like I have no control over myself.  I don't know how to deal with perspiring so much since I never have been a sweaty girl.

By the way did you know that estrogen levels and ears are connected?  I kept thinking I was getting an inner ear infection, but as it turns out it's another lovely little bit of menopause fallout.

At any rate I didn't feel like posting.  But last night R was late so I was sitting and watching TV.  I was watching a rerun of "How I Met Your Mother."  I like that show pretty well, it's rather funny.  Last night's episode was about the baggage people have.  The character of Ted comes to the conclusion that everyone has baggage, including him. 

In our society we view that as a bad thing.  I don't know why.  As Ted learned, we all have baggage.  But is having baggage a bad thing?

When I pack for a trip, I get excited to get out my luggage.  I like luggage.  I have some nice vintage pieces around the house too.  But it implies I am getting ready for a new adventure.

So isn't emotional baggage simply what we carry with us from the adventures we have had in our lives?  Sure most of us would like to rid ourselves of at least some of it.  But if you aren't carrying any, doesn't it imply you haven't taken risks and you haven't been experiencing life to it's fullest. 

Not every thing we do, or every place we go is going to turn out perfectly.  Remember family vacations?  There was almost always some sort of minor incident on them...if not a full fledged catastrophe.  But what great memories they made!

When I look at my emotional suitcase I carry around, it has lots of travel stickers.  This latest little episode is just one more of them, and I can put a sticker on that says menopause.  It wasn't the best destination, but by golly I have visited there.  Maybe I would be happier to be unencumbered by it, but at least I can honestly say I have traveled many places along this journey called life!

Jealousy

Jealousy is a natural human emotion. We have all experienced it at certain times in our lives, and we all will experience it again in the future. It's a strange emotion though, because it's not something we ever consciously want to feel or try to feel like other emotions, but we do. It's also a wasted emotion because it never brings us any closer to the thing we are jealous over.

By and large however, I don't think I am really a jealous person. When someone has a great accomplishment or recognition in the bear world, I am pretty happy for them. I think accomplishments of that nature are a combination of hard work and a little luck, so I don't begrudge them that. I also look upon it as it having nothing to do with me or my work. I had a friend years ago that always felt that it should have been them that got the accolades instead of whoever actually got it. I never understood that line of thinking. I just figure when it's my turn it happens, and it has happened a few times. I am confident it will happen again too. Being an artist, success tends to go in waves. There is enough to go around for everyone who works hard, and eventually it pays off. When it runs it's course, you work that much harder and the cycle starts again.

In matters of the heart, when it comes to R, I am not jealous there either. He has never really given me any reason to be, but that's based out of love and trust. We have people flirt with us sometimes, but we don't reciprocate so it's all good.

I have felt those little twinges of jealousy on occasion over another woman who has a great figure or is younger than me. But it passes quite quickly and isn't something I dwell on or want to take drastic actions in the way of cosmetic surgery to fix. I was younger once and had a better figure and I am sure someone has looked at me and felt that same twinge at some point in the past. So again it balances out.

When I was a teenager, I used to think that being rich and powerful would be a great thing. I blame that line of thinking on being poor as a child and the TV show Dynasty that was popular at the time. They made being rich and powerful look pretty glamorous. As the years have rolled by I have lost any urge to be rich or powerful. Power of that type is entirely over rated. The allure of wealth only holds two appeals for me, I could donate more to charity and I could travel more. But even the latter is tarnished by the treatment of airlines these days, so the dream of seeing the world has diminished as well due to the hassle and disrespect you receive from companies that should look upon you as a customer instead of an inconvenience. Let's face it, they pretty much hold you hostage from the moment you get the ticket these days and you're at their mercy. But I digress. I have nearly everything I really want or need, so I don't need vast amounts of wealth.

I don't buy designer labels, but that's ok. I still enjoy a little fashion and I don't need to spend a kings ransom to get a sewn in label. But that's not to say I don't have things I would like to have. I would really like to have a genuine english carpet bag. I would like to see Sri Lanka and Scotland and of course Paris. I wouldn't mind having a personal trainer. But those are just little whimsical desires that I can live without.

For quite a few years the one thing I have truly been wanting is a Mini Cooper. I have never had a brand new car. My Sonata was nearly new, but not quite. It had been a lease for a year before I got it. I have had it for nine years now, and I have to say it's been an amazing car that has needed very little work. Especially considering how many times I have driven it across country to shows. But deep in my heart I still dream of owning a brand new Mini Cooper. They are just so darn cute!

My sister in law called today to tell me she got one...a convertible which she was driving around with the top down. We knew she was probably going to get one. Her boss bought it for her as a company car. I know R thinks I am just green with jealously over it. He was being ornery and teased me when we first found out that she was getting it, and said that he would let me go visit her in Phoenix so I could drive it. He doesn't read my blog, so he will probably continue to think that I am just green with jealousy. I did have that fleeting moment of envy because I am human, but really I am very happy for her. She has had a rough time in other areas of her life lately and so I think she deserved to have something nice.

While I was dressing up the new bear I made tonight I thought about that. I wondered why I wasn't jealous, or if maybe I really was jealous and trying to convince myself I wasn't. But after some soul searching under a self imposed spotlight I realized that I am just not. I don't know why I am not. I don't think anyone would fault me too hard if I was. The only thing I could come up with is that my life is pretty darn good, so even if I never get my Mini Cooper...it's still complete just the way it is. Who knows, maybe now that they are saying the recession is over I will sell more bears and be able to get myself one someday. But if I never do, it's ok.