I love to read. I read all sorts of things. I have read many of the classics, adventures, romance, biographies, fiction and a whole host of other things. Right now I am reading a book that I am almost embarrassed to admit called "Bunny Tales." No...it's not a cute childlike book filled with stories about fluffy little animals, it's an autobiography about a woman who was one of the girlfriends of Hugh Hefner.
When I was much younger I worked with a group of guys who told me I should send them some of my pics. I thought they were just teasing me, but they sent in some pics of me they took at a picnic and I was asked to come and audition/have pics taken. I have always had a bad girl side, but never that bad. Even if I had thought I was attractive enough, (which I didn't) I could not have ever posed nude. It's just not who I am. I didn't respond and I never gave it much more thought. Reading this book hasn't made me regret that choice either to be quite honest.
It's funny though, when I look back at pictures of myself from those days I was surprisingly pretty, but I had no idea. I dated a lot of attractive men, including a male model, a race car driver and a few musicians. Most of them weren't that interesting or that interested in my brain or me as a person. I wasn't sure why they dated me, but I think in retrospect I know why. I was just arm candy. None of those relationships lasted very long.
About 6 years ago I met a man in passing who I was being cordial to, that told me I should just "move along." I guess he thought I was flirting with him or something and he didn't realize at the time I was married and wouldn't have been interested in him anyway. I thought that was a really strange response to someone who was simply being nice and asked him why he said that. His reply was really surprising, he coldly told me I was the type of woman he always avoided because we are too pretty. I was still confused and asked for more of an explanation. He said on the off chance I would actually go out with him, that women like me are never intelligent, too high maintenance, rely on our looks all our lives and always leave men after having used and abused them in the end. I was speechless for so many reasons I can't even process them all even now. I also felt really bad for him, he was so judgemental.
Even though I find him very attractive and so do lots of other women, R is probably the least attractive guy I ever dated. He also has the biggest heart, best sense of humor and most kind, loving and generous spirit I have ever met. He shares my love of animals and I have found that someone who loves animals is nearly always a good person. I love him beyond measure and I think he is truly beautiful inside and out.
It's kind of interesting what we think of ourselves when we look in the mirror. Do we ever see ourselves as what we are? Not just superficially, but also who we are? When I look in the mirror now, I see an aging, overweight woman who is tired a lot from lack of proper sleep and has nothing to offer the world. Sometimes I wonder why anyone would find me attractive. Ultimately, I don't really care if they do or not because I am not only what I look like. But every once in a while everyone wants to feel attractive I think. Oddly enough despite all that I still get flirtations from men. One guy had the nerve to ask me out while R and I were waiting in line for a movie and he was holding my hand! I have no idea what the guy thought when he did that. Obviously I didn't say yes!
If I ever wrote an autobiography like the girl mentioned above, what would I write? How would I tell the world who I am? Could you do it? I know what the title would be though..."Close Encounters And Lost Causes." (I am joking...sorta.)
How do we know who we are? We can be self aware in our good and bad points, but does that tell us who we are and how the world sees us? Are we who we think we are, or are we a summation of the way people view us? I guess I am waxing philosophic this morning because I have been trying to figure out lately who I am. I think I am going through a sort of metamorphosis. Perhaps that is something everyone goes through when they reach a certain stage in their lives. I also think it's why I have been adding little tidbits about things that happened when I was a child. A friend who reads my blog pointed out yesterday on the phone how surprised she was that I was adding those to my posts lately, since I have rarely talked about my childhood. Maybe I am trying to figure out who I am by thinking about where I came from and the events that shaped my life.
I made a post on my other blog with a picture that I overlaid onto a background and then I put words on it. The words represent what I see at any given time. I could have added a thousand more words but there wasn't room. If you're interested in seeing it, you can do that here:
Cirque de Lune
Maybe I am being vain, or insecure and afraid of getting older. Or maybe...I am finally just growing into myself and I want to find out who that person really is! For some reason it seems important to me right now to figure that out. I am not sure why but I am equally sure that the answer to that question will present itself in due time. It usually does.
So I am curious, do you know who you are? What do you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive? Do you know it? Do you know who you are and what you're all about? Do you think that others see you the same way you see yourself? I think whether it's physical or something deeper, that most people are attractive in one way or another to be honest. I also think that the most important thing is that we are attractive in some way to the people who love us the same way they are attractive to us. But I still wonder...do you see what other people see? Chances are you don't. Maybe we never can, but I still want to try to find out.