One afternoon while I was out shopping before Christmas I found a fascinator. It was cute and inexpensive and I bought it. I have always liked them but never indulged. A bit after that I found a vintage pair of red gloves, I bought those too. I used to wear fancy gloves all the time back in my 20's, but for some reason I stopped. When I got home I tried on my fascinator, it actually looked good on me! But then I started thinking where would I wear this? Why did I buy it? I am too old to pull this off. If I went out into public in this people would laugh themselves silly over it. I found it interesting that I thought that, because I rarely bother to care what others think about what I do.
Last week I bought the latest copy of one of my favorite magazines. I was thumbing through it when I came upon a full page ad. The ad caught my attention like a lodestone. It promised that if you went to a website it contained a guide on how to bring forth that fun side of you that you really want to get in touch with.
I believe that deep within many of us resides a romanticized version of ourselves. The one where we embrace those things we wish could wear or do without looking silly. That secret version of ourselves always does things with aplomb in our minds eye and it's successful.
I don't know about you, but I could use a little help getting to that place again. I was that girl once. But where did she go? I was practically tripping over myself to get to the computer to type in the URL for this website. Imagine my disappointment when I got there and found out there was no guide. It was just a site to sell a product. A fun product sure, but that's all it was. In fact I almost bought something...then reality set in.
My brain wouldn't let go of that idea though. I did a web search to see if I could in fact find a site that did offer these tidbits of wisdom somewhere. I came up empty.
I started thinking...my mental conversation went something like this; what if I...no. Maybe I could...no. Why couldn't I...no, what gives you the idea you could help anyone that way? My brain argued back. Yeah but...NO, people would laugh at you, just shut up. (It's no wonder I drive myself crazy.)
But then I thought what if I did a blog...AND what if I used a nom de plume! But my brain said, people would never buy into it unless you were a real person. Nom de plume flew out the window. I thought...hey maybe I could do a separate blog as myself and ease into it slowly. Nope brain said, you won't do that either, we know you too well.
Hmm...I fell victim to the "too" factor. You know the "too" factor. It's the excuse we mask our fear with. I am too old, too young, too short, too tall, too fat, too serious, too staid in my ways, too scared to put myself out there, too *insert your choice of excuse here.* Good golly I finally get it when R tells me I am my own worst critic. Why do we knit pick at ourselves so?
However...like I told you yesterday I have decided to start coloring outside the traditional lines a bit more this year. This year is about me taking bigger risks, and while I was talking about my work when I said that, I think I am going to embrace that in other aspects of my life too. While I don't intend to jump out of a plane or anything, I do want to finally do those things that I want to do. I want to wear what I want to, I want to make what I really want to, and I want to be that version of me that hides inside of me. What are we truly afraid will happen? So something we try doesn't work...so what. What if someone laughs...well they laughed, laugh with them and have fun.
So I think I am going to embrace that romanticized version of myself more and let her out to play. I am going to make an occasional post on this blog as myself, taking you on that journey. I may not be qualified to write a guide to embracing that side of yourself, but then again...who knows I might be. We will find out!
I will tell you this though, I wrote that list of resolutions a few posts back mainly as a humorous look at not being so serious about resolutions. But I decided for the heck of it to try to stick to them. I have discovered that taking five minutes to breathe and not think about anything really does revive you. I have discovered that if you can only find a minute or two to squeeze in a little exercise, it still does give you an odd little sense of accomplishment tacked on to your day. I discovered that R has responded to getting that extra hug in the morning and my doing everything I can to be cheerful even if I am stiff and sore from working or have a headache by the time he gets up. I discovered that taking a few minutes to go outside and appreciate nature has a way of making you feel more in tune with the world and gives you a sense of freedom.
I have had a feeling for a while that this was going to be my year. But I also know in order for it to be my year, I am going to have to work at it, and that's ok. So there is your first "guidebook" lesson. Let this be your year too, but know you will have to invest in it to be your year. Take risks and overcome those small fears. Get in touch with that brave, fun, out there version of yourself that you have been hiding away in the dusty box in the corner of your soul. Take a risk, you can start with a small one. Tell that side of your brain that says no you can't to just shut up.
Later today I have to go to the dog groomer and get my bi-annual blood test....red gloves...check!