Martin Luther King Day

I like to believe that all people are inherently good.  Even the ones that seem as if they are not.  How many times have you come across a stranger that did something to annoy you and thought wow what a...well you can insert the word of your choice here.  But does that make them a bad person?  Did you leave the encounter filled with some type of animosity towards them? 

Perhaps you came across a person you instantly disliked.  What was it about them that you disliked?  Was it something small?  The way they talked, the way they looked? 

I would like to believe that all people are inherently good.  I believe that all people are worth knowing.  All people have worth.

I also believe that hate is born of fear.  We fear what we do not understand, because it's different than us in some way.  So instead of trying to understand and learn, we hate because it's easier.  It gives the illusion of control.

A while back I was really thirsty and I stopped at a convenience store to buy a bottle of juice. There was a young Latino man who was dressed for lack of better, like a thug. He, another woman and myself all arrived at the counter at the same time. She looked at him, backed away rapidly and made the pretense of going to find something else. I had several items and he had one. He had stepped behind me in line, so I smiled at him and suggested he go first. Another cashier stepped up so we ended up checking out at the same time anyway. We also reached the exit door at the same time. He smiled and held the door for me. There was nothing to fear from this young man. I felt bad for the woman who had shied away from him because of how he looked. She was clearly afraid of him.  He was just a young man trying to find his way in the world. Perhaps his tough looking exterior was a shield created from his own fear?

Today is Martin Luther King Day in the US.  I would like to believe that racism is dead.  It's not, but I wish it was.  To me, racism is one of the stupidest concepts ever invented by human beings.  The worth of every person on this planet has nothing to do with the color of their skin.  It has to do with their heart, their soul, their morality, their imagination, their knowledge and their unique perspective.

Conversely, having the same skin color as someone else doesn't automatically make you the same.

All the colors make a beautiful tapestry.

I would like to believe that all people have the capacity to love one another.  What I know though...is a sad truth; that no matter who you are, what you do, or what color your skin is...someone, somewhere hates you for it. 

Don't hate. Don't fear.  Learn.  Understand.  Accept.  Love.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction ... The chain reaction of evil--hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."

~ Martin Luther King

Our Greatest Nemesis

A few posts back I told you that once again it was recommended to me to try meditation. I finally went out and bought a couple CD's and decided to give it a try. I have semi-chronic shoulder, back and neck pain from years of working on bears, heavy hair and a large chest. So I was looking for stress/pain relieving meditation type CD's.

I finally gave that a try today. Throughout the course of the guided part, the guy says to let whatever emotion you have rise to the surface. Out of all the emotions that might have risen, the one that did surprised me a little.

I had a feeling of inadequacy and fear. I am a pretty confident person overall. But when I really look at that it's not that big of a surprise. Society tells us we have to be perfect as women. We have to be able to hold down jobs, maintain our homes, take care of families and look flawless while doing it. That's a pretty tall order, and it's not surprising that somewhere deep inside themselves most women feel inadequate in some way.

Artists always have fear and feel inadequate. It's who we are. Even the most self confident of artists have days where they feel that way. It's our greatest nemesis. We have all sorts of fears...failure, not being as good as the next artist, not being able to do something again, not being able to do something at all, being accused of copying another artist's work even when we don't, fear of never selling anything else, even fear of success, etc. The list goes on.

But as I was laying there doing my deep breathing I thought about this feeling of inadequacy. Suddenly I had a new perspective on it. Who am I to feel that way about myself? It's kind of insulting to my maker, He doesn't do shoddy work.

We don't need to fit a mold. We don't have to try to be as good as the next person because we can't be, nor can they be as good as us. We can only be what we are, a unique creation. A thread that fits perfectly into the tapestry of life.

So I think it's time to get busy on that pattern I created this week. If it doesn't turn out the first time...so what. What am I afraid of really? What's the worst that can happen? If it doesn't turn out the first time I will simply redesign it until it does turn out the way I want it to. Not much lost but a little time and mohair spent learning to make something new. That's worth it!

Oddly enough through this mental discourse I had with myself my shoulder pain was slightly alleviated. Hmmm...maybe there is something to this meditation thing after all!

Panic Mode

The hours are ticking by way too fast today. 8 AM is fast approaching and I have noticed I have achieved panic mode. I can't think clearly, I feel that overall cold chill you get from fear and I am slightly shaky.

I am trying to not be afraid of tomorrow, but I am. They want me to take a Xanax to relax me before I come in, but in truth that's kind of adding to my anxiety. I have never taken a Xanax and I am not sure what it's going to do to me. Sometimes I have very odd reactions to drugs, so I try to take as few as possible.

I probably won't be making a post tomorrow or even possibly for a few days to come. I don't really know how I am going to feel after the procedure. So if there is silence for a few days, just know I am sleeping and healing.

Wish me luck, I am going to need it! Also if anyone has ever taken Xanax, please tell me what it does to you.

Thanks, K. <3

Terror (Not A Post For The Squeamish)

I don't have a fear of the dentist the way most people do. I have had several fillings, two root canals, all my wisdom teeth and an impacted molar pulled, and a crown. None of it really phased me a whole lot. The doctor scares me much more than the dentist.

However this Thursday I am finally going to the oral surgeon for gum grafts. I was supposed to go in June, and put it off because you can't eat normally for a few weeks and it takes a full nine months to completely heal. Summer involves BBQ's and trips and I didn't want to have to deal with it. Plus I thought it would be easier to handle during soup weather.

Apparently I brush my teeth too hard and it has worn away my gums on the four corners. I have to be honest...I am just terrified. It all sounds so Frankenstein-esque.

Before they suggested this, I had never heard of gum grafts. I figured if your gums receded that was that. I was both happy and nervous to find out they can fix it.

This is your last chance to turn back, I am going to get graphic now, so if it bothers you...don't read any further!

The procedure involves making a vertical slit in your gum, and then they slide a piece of "human tissue material on a synthetic matrix" under there and stitch it closed. After nine months your own tissue takes over and the original is gone.

The human tissue material sounds really disturbing. He assured me that no one has ever had any problems with it ever. Let's hope I am not the first. The stitches part is bothering me too. I have issues with anything unnatural going into my skin, this includes needles. It's a miracle I have pierced ears or two small tattoos.

Another issue I have is that I never get numb at the dentist. They never believe me either. Luckily this guy did. He said some people have very deep set nerve endings and sometimes dentists don't get far enough up with the Novocain to numb them. The next time I find a disbelieving dentist I am going to mention that! It would save the extra expense and risk of having IV sedation or the pain of just grinning and bearing it...which I have had to do a couple times.

They also want me to take a Xanax before I go in. I have never taken a Xanax and that makes me a bit nervous as well. Sometimes drugs effect me in strange ways other than how they are supposed to, and I am not sure what a Xanax will do to me.

The girl on the phone reassured me it was no big deal and they do it all the time. Well ok...they do it all the time...I don't! So to me it's pretty terrifying.

I am trying to be that brave, tough girl I am...and I am failing miserably. I wasn't this scared over my shoulder surgery, hand surgery or my hysterectomy. Maybe it's because for those, I knew I would sleep through it.

So as we draw near to Thursday, my posts might get a little odd...if they do, just know it's the terror talking!